{ Brock Cherry's 18th Birthday }

No one should dread a family members birthday. But I'll admit, I did. I had been thinking about this day since Christmas Eve last year when the accident happened. Completely dreading it while still trying to go throughout each day leading up to April 25th with a smile on my face holding back all the tears.

Once in awhile throughout the day leading up closer to the 25th I'd have a few more random breakdowns. Ones that are hard to describe but still very real. One minute I'm fine, the next tears are swelling up in my eyes and I can barely see. 

I had requested he day of Brock's birthday off a couple months ago and I had even thought about asking for the day before, Tuesday, off too but decided I'd be fine. Well, I think I should have taken Tuesday off too. I was fine at work. I managed to keep that off my mind for the most part, until the last 45 minutes of the work day. A couple ladies I work with of course knew I had asked for this Wednesday off for a very particular reason so they were asking what plans I had. One of the ladies I work with lost her son to brain cancer so she was comforting and understanding to my situation. Basically talking about it of course got me thinking about it. From then on out it was the only thing on my mind.

The lady I work with that lost her son asked me if we were going to try and make this day fun at all? Maybe do something to try and make it more fun, or if it was just going to be a sad day. For the most part I think the day was about 50/50. Half a sad day, half a more of a celebratory day. My mom only had a couple things that she for sure wanted to do but those things weren't going to be until that afternoon and early evening. I knew this day would be the hardest for her so there was just no way I could let her stay around the house and be all sad until then so I met her in Idaho Falls and we started with having some Kiwi Loco together then I went with her to do everything else she wanted to do that day. 

We started with getting some balloons and river rocks. We went to the cemetery afterwards. Mom had made a banner with a couple of Brock's designs on it so we set that up, tied a Happy Birthday balloon onto it then wrote some messages onto two of the river rocks we had gotten to place them under the banner. Unfortunately there still wasn't a headstone (even though we had signed the contract for it to be installed by his birthday...really frustrating) so all the messages people wrote became a temporary headstone. All the messages, flowers, and little sentimental things were really amazing. If there was going to be anything else there except for an actual headstone I think this way pretty perfect.

That was the first time I'd been to Brock's grave since the funeral. I haven't been able to bring myself to go. Saying it was hard doesn't come close to how those few minutes really were. Mom keeps saying that it wasn't supposed to be this way. To be honest I have some very similar things on my mind. Asking the same question on a daily basis...why? I have faith that someday, maybe not in this life, but that someday I might be allowed to know the answer to that question. 

One thing mom wanted to do for sure was to take 18 balloons and release them at the Shelley Skate Park. Nathan and a few close friends were already there skating. That was one thing they all wanted to do. Skate for Brock on his birthday just like we all know he was doing. Each of us took a couple balloons, said Happy Birthday to Brock and released all 18 balloons. That was a sad and happy moment all rolled together.

Shortly after we released the balloons all of us, including all Nathan and Brock's friends, went to a little pizza party. There were definitely some sad feelings but for the most part it was really pretty fun and something that was needed by a lot of people. Often times, smiling and even being remotely happy, makes me feel guilty. What's worse, often times I feel angry that other people are having fun and being happy. Sometimes I look at other people and almost think to myself, "How can you be happy right now? Why are you smiling? Life is not good right now." I know it's terrible, but I also know there's a few people out there that have experienced a similar loss and have described their feelings in the exact same way as me.

Now, time to try and celebrate the life of Brock Allan Cherry. My little brother Brock was born April 25th, 1994 at 6:00 am. He weighed 7 pounds 2 1/2 ounces and measured 20 inches long. Before Brock was born I remember trying so hard to convince my parents to make his middle name Lee. Brock Lee Cherry...sounds pretty good right? Lee is a name on my dad's side of the family so it really would have been legit. I got really close to convincing my parents but sadly enough I was not successful.

born April 25th, 1994

that charming smile started pretty early

Nathan sported the mullet-ish when he was young, Brock had the long "bowl" cut style hair-do

one of my mom's favorite pictures of Brock when he was little

I think Brock looks like Zack Efron in this picture

yep...his hair got even longer

I cut his hair a little too short this time...he never even complained

funny kid

him doing what he loves

now Brock looks like Wolverine in this picture

man do I miss this smile

I love my family

Man this brother of mine is such a stud!

I love my brother so very much. I was so so so excited for him to graduate because I knew he'd be going out into the world full force to pursue those big beautiful dreams of his. He's one determined kid too so I know he would have fulfilled them. I have no doubt in my mind about that.

Honestly my siblings and I were not super duper close growing up. I think when our parent's got divorced that actually brought us closer but compared to a lot of families out there we weren't super tight. That being said I can't imagine how much harder and more painful this would be if my siblings and I were as close as some I hear about. I don't think I'd be able to smile at all for quite some time.

I know the day of Brock's birthday and even the day of the skate competition the Saturday before were simply beautiful days because of Brock. We all could feel him watching over us all, showing that charming smile, brightening the entire day. Brock was an amazing person. Anyone that knew him even a little could see truly see that and more. He touched the lives of more individuals in his short 17 years than I think any one person could touch in their lifetime. For that alone I am truly grateful and proud to be his sister.

Happy Birthday Brock!

You mean more to me than I ever let you know!