Saying that I haven't been in the mood to do much of anything these days would be an understatement.There are some good moments mixed in every now and then but for the most part each day goes by alright with me faking my way through it all but then something reminds me of the last horrible Christmas my family and I just had bringing it all back where it all hits me like a tidal wave and I have to step away from my desk to go collect myself in the bathroom. On January 24th, exactly a month since the accident, I woke up knowing exactly what day it was. I managed to make it a few hours into my work day when I had to text my mom and say, "It's been a month exactly and I don't know about you but I'm not doing so great." My mom replies that she's not doing very well either and had some really hard days last week.
My birthday came and went just like any other day. I didn't even tell anyone I work with that it was my birthday. They all found out when my cute mother showed up with a balloon and a gift. Jordan's birthday also came a week after mine. Being the guy he is, he could care less about that day really but I tried my best to make it something special for him. The hard day was when Jordan and I went down to my mom's to have a birthday dinner with my family where there normally would have been a place setting for Brock. None of my family let it show on their faces or in their voices that that particular dinner was difficult. I had mixed feelings about that night as the day went on. I was looking forward to dinner with my family but at the same time dreading that empty space that would be in the room but I think we could all feel Brock's presence and perhaps that's what helped us all to get through dinner without any tears. For my birthday I got a red trench coat with matching red gloves and scarf (my mom is practically a fashion queen), a window mirror decoration, a crocheted headband, necklace, moose pillowpet (Macie is a funny girl who knows I love moose) Muck Boots, some money, a gift card to Hobby Lobby, and a CD. Thank you everyone for helping make my birthday something special. My good friend Lesley put up a music video awhile ago by Hillary Weeks (the CD I got) of her song Beautiful Heartbreak that I thought was amazing and I unfortunately never thought it would be a song I would relate to so much but now am starting to. Thank you Lesley. It really is a beautiful song...
I couldn't be more grateful to live where we do. The Saturday after my birthday, the girl that I visit teach with and the girl that visit teaches me got together to plan a birthday/get together dinner with a bunch of other younger couples in our ward. I don't think I expressed to her how much that meant to me. It was something I really needed but never would have gotten enough energy to actually think and plan it myself. Thank you Jaime and Michelle! You two are amazing!
Macie is doing ski school again this year and Jordan and I got to be chaperones last week so we got to go snowboarding for FREE! We decided to make it our annual birthday/snowboarding celebration since out of Jordan's family of 8 (myself included) there are 4 January birthdays so Craig, Kelly, Dane, Kendra, and Macie were all there as well. It was pretty fun and perfect weather for snowboarding. Lots of powder (if you can believe we actually got powdery snow finally) with the sun shining. I couldn't help but think the sun shining was really Brock smiling down on us wanting me to have fun doing something I know he's doing everyday like he always wanted to.
Smiling and faking my way through each day is something that I can manage. Eventually it being something real instead of fake is what's going to take some time. I guess you could say I'm trying to move on without forgetting Brock but that's turning out to be A LOT harder than I ever expected. Considering everything that's been going on I almost feel guilty for having any kind of fun. Like it's almost wrong since I don't have all my family here with me anymore. I know that's not how Brock would want me, or anyone else, to be feeling. Hopefully over time I'll start to realize it.
Oh and FYI, last Sunday I finally got all my Christmas stuff put away. Part of me didn't want to because I didn't want to accept that last month it actually was Christmas because it was such a horrible holiday season but at the same time I really wanted to get it all taken care of because it was all just one giant constant reminder of the whole terrible thing. But, with Jordan's help, it finally got done and I feel good about it.
P.S. I apologize if this sounded like a pity party. Not my intention at all. I guess this is just me getting all my feelings out in hopes that it'll help.
It's never a pity party if it's how you feel. Everyone processes tragedies differently and sometimes we have to "fake it to make it". Someone told me once that when you do that eventually it becomes real. It's not overnight but one day you will wake up and you wont hurt so much. Brock may not be there physically, but he IS there helping you get through this. I only met him once but if he is anything like you, he is guiding you through every day. Cheering you on and holding you when it gets too hard. Take it one day at a time.
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